I was particularly tired during my morning sadhana.* I was in a dreamy state during my mantras. Instead of making my morning coffee like I usually do, I lay down on a day bed by the fire and fell into a sleep. I dreamed I was in a boat, up in the front, in the bow. It was a small boat that you might see in a lake, with people fishing - it’s not a large or powerful vessel - it’s nice. I don’t know who was driving the boat - I was looking ahead. We were going up the gentle current of a river but we had to get over a large vertical rise to the flatness above. And at the top of the vertical rise was a cement barrier going across the width of the river. It wasn’t a damn, it wasn’t high up, but it was creating a line between the vertical to the flat so I didn’t know how we would get over it. The cement barrier was just slightly above the top of the water, so the water was lapping. Sometimes the cement surface was under the water, sometimes just coming above. Whomever was driving the boat was skilled, as if they had done this before. They approached the barrier and seemed to know how to edge over it in the best spot. I witnessed it, from the front bow seat. I didn’t look back at the driver. I felt pretty confident that they knew what they were doing. They did get the bow of the boat up over the cement barrier but I didn’t know if we would make it. I used my hands to reach off the boat and try to hold onto the surface, the shallow water on the cement, holding on, to keep us from falling. I wasn’t panicking, but was trying to help. And then we fell back. As the boat fell in slow motion, I breathed. I was calm. The boat circled down with gravity in spirals, as if it was on an invisible circular slide. And I breathed. I prepared myself for making contact with the water - I was calm, i held my spine straight but ready to meet the surface below and give with the landing. We landed softly. We landed gently. It was okay. I was relieved. People came to us, commenting on our beautiful landing.
When I woke up, at first I reflected on the dream as an anxiety dream — trying to get somewhere and failing and falling back. But I don’t feel that way now.
It’s okay to fall. Just breathe.
* sadhana is a morning yoga practice. My practice starts at 4 am, before the sunrise.