vision quest - night 4 - falling to earth
Saturday
Full disclosure - this picture was taken on the land but it was a couple of years ago but I didn’t have a good picture for this blog post and this one works and captures my falling to earth.
Saturday - I don’t have many notes for day four because I was so weak. I tried to sit up and meditate but ended up lying down and resting. I didn’t experience this level of hunger on my previous vision quest. Why was it so different I wondered? I asked the question (later) to my spirit team but I’ll share with you now that the message i got was that I was more in my physical body this time around than last time. As I heal, as I learn it’s safe to be in my physical body with my feet firmly connected to the space that I am inhabiting, the more I can feel things - physical and emotional - and know it’s safe to feel them. It’s safe to know how I feel. The hunger was very tough to manage. It made it hard to stay in the present and not anticipate its ending. I thought about food. I wished for the vision quest to come to an end.
I focused on breathing in and breathing out but sometimes I would take breaks for pondering. I pondered 2023 and all my accomplishments and wondered where my place would be in the world in 2024. How could I best serve? I free-flowed ideas for 2024 - with no limits - not around funding or time. Try it - get out a paper and writing instrument and just free-flow all of the things you would like to do this year - without thinking too much - it’s interesting to see what emerges. Like I said “get a dog one day.” what? I’m a cat person! How would I travel if I had a dog? Doesn’t matter - it’s just for fun - make your list and let it flow. It doesn’t have to make sense.
How would I get through the day? I kept looking at the sun to see if it had moved. I knew what hunger felt like but never to this degree. I was weak. I couldn’t carry out my regular activities. I couldn’t do yoga the way I usually do. I couldn’t stand up very long. I gave myself permission to lie down. I felt guilty at first but then I loved myself enough to acknowledge how I felt - week, hungry and tired. Food access is my area of seva and I am passionate about healthy food access for all. Feeling this hungry helped me better understand how many people feel that way frequently. Think about kids going to school on an empty stomach. How are they supposed to learn? According to Feeding America, over 44 million people in the US are challenged with food access. - they are hungry and don’t know where their next meal is coming from. Globally, that number is over 333 million people. In the US alone, one in five children are hungry. In Amherst, I volunteer at the Amherst Survival Center and here on the Big Island at the Kohala Food Hub. Kohala Food Hub’s Veggie RX program is funded to increase food access and even delivers food to people’s homes. These are two examples of programs working to increase food access.
I would doze for a while and then move around a bit, look at the sun and just wish for it to end. I really don’t know how to put into words how uncomfortable I was with cramping and dizziness. It was hard to stay present - breathing in and breathing out - but add to that extreme hunger? It’s hard to not wish the time away and think of a time when my pain can be addressed. Staying with discomfort. Leaning into discomfort. It’s a tall order when the present moment is painful. I guess that’s where the daily practice comes in. Practicing for the pain points.
As the sun finally made its way below the horizon, I was counting the hours until I could go get something to eat. My chakras were pulsating, especially my third chakra, manipura or navel center. My solar plexus was just thumping away. And my heart felt a little weird - almost like it wasn’t quite beating in a steady rhythm. Am I going to die? Just like with my first vision quest, I felt okay to die. But I also knew that I wouldn’t do it by choice! I somehow managed to doze. When I awoke, it was night - I wished it were morning and kept looking to the east for the sign of dawn. I got out of the tent to look for the moon. Where was the moon? The night sky did not seem cloudy but I couldn’t find the moon. Finally, I told myself I could look at my phone and see what time it was. I don’t think my words are adequately explaining how uncomfortable I was - so however it reads - double it! I told myself I wouldn’t read any texts but could see the time. So I put it on and it was 12:30 am - day 5 - meaning - I had made it through the four nights. I had planned on leaving in the morning - after dawn broke - but I left.
I put some things in a plastic garbage bag, put on my shoes, grabbed my hat, closed up the tent, said good bye to the Ironwood tree (with barely any fanfare - I did not feel good) and dragged the garbage bag behind me until I reached the sea of grass where I had to lift it up. I felt very weak. I had to stop and rest a few times because I was breathless and my heart was pounding. I was dizzy and didn’t have energy to move quickly but wanted to get there as fast as I could. I made it in the dark, in probably 15 or 20 minutes. When I got there - I put on the stove and made oatmeal, guzzled some water. I realized I had forgotten to close the sacred space so I did it by the cabin and went to bed.
I felt guilty for leaving six hours early. I felt like a failure for a few moments but there was another part of me that knew I loved myself enough to leave. And that’s the wolf I’ll feed - as Pema would say. The positive energy.
Kriya - Awakening Your Ten Bodies - I took breaks between postures because I was so weak. Everything felt hard. Icing on the cake was tough. Shavasana, rest, turned into a nap. I was up several hours during the previous night. I slept a couple of hours. The sun was significantly higher in the sky when I awoke. Perhaps around 10:00 am. Then I chanted mantra.
Mantra - Ek Ong Kar, Mul Mantra, Ganpati Mantra and whatever else bubbled up throughout the day. (I didn’t write it down.) I rested inbetween each mantra. Tired. I wanted to lie down. I chanted mantra in a standing posture but felt dizzy so sat down. Drinking water helped a little.
